Style: Descriptive Non-fiction
Statement: This piece is meant to be a short, unserious criticism of modern-day airpods (& all bluetooth sound devices) that I hope readers can resonate with and gain comedic relief from.
The earbud was revolutionary. Composed of two silicone spheres and a demure figure, her extensive wires hung elegantly as she sang a plethora of instrumental notes through ears. Like rolling hills, her wires generously stretched out whilst embracing her beau, the earbud jack. She contained this vastness and cradled her listeners with comfort for hours on end. Her munificence unlocked enthusiasm. Take romance, for example. Who didn’t love the adrenaline rush that came with offering one of her symphonic buds to their lover? Who didn’t love walking side by side, feeling the gentle tug of her wires drawing them closer and intertwining their souls? The intimacy she, the earbud, invented was unmatched. Her dignity, poise, refinement—all this has been tragically severed.
The airpod has replaced her beauty. An invasive hook-shaped thing, its protruding ear tips violently stream music as they stab innocent eardrums. After a short-lived one hour of listening time, the airpod unleashes a painful ringing through the head, forcing listeners to yank it out. Not to mention, the airpod strips all privacy. Lacking the wires that practically flashed a red “do not disturb” sign, the cowardly airpod invites unaware outsiders to interrupt a listener’s tranquility. Many devout earbud believers rejected this sinful upgrade, staying loyal to her divine being. Yet silently protesting the grotesque figure has become a hassle after her sweetheart, the earbud jack, was executed. The convenience of this pair will go unbeknownst to future generations, who now—if they are wisely searching for relief from the disturbing airpod—must waste seven dollars on an earbud jack adapter. A wrongfully impeached celestial body, Her Majesty The Earbud has left an indelible mark on all listeners’ hearts. Unfortunately, capitalism and spurious progressiveness has stolen her cherished throne, transferring her sovereign to the distorted thing called the airpod.
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